Sometimes I wonder how life has turned out the way it has. Time and time again, God had proven Himself to be far greater, far better, far more impossible than what I imagined. (And to be honest my imagination, by most people’s standards are quite over-the-top.)
Maybe I am a bit mopey because things are getting very real. Moving to a new country and all that jazz. Working and living in a new culture. I won’t lie – I am excited! But adulting is hitting home in a very real way. Gotta rent, gotta settle loans, gotta cook, gotta be responsible for myself, gotta pay all my bills on my own again, gotta do all the house chores. 😰😰😰😰😰😰😰 A year ago, I was so fraught with fear and worry and uncertainty about the future. Sometimes I wonder if that was a sign that God’s peace was just not with me because I was not obeying His will. Other times I wonder if that was just me failing to trust God.
From my breakup in April to the most hellish months of October-December, the Lord has been so faithful. They were hellish because my health fell apart. Everyday felt like I was scraping through and I longed for rest but rest never really came. Nothing terminal (although there was a brief scare) but I am still recovering from the aftermath. Now there are more and more days that I know I am beginning to ride on my own strength and not God’s, because breathing and singing is easer than it was. Sleep is better too. But the sense of walking closer to God was definitely stronger, or at least, the pain and irritations forced me to turn to Him more.
Sometimes I wish I could shake people and tell them, our ideas of God are just that – ideas. Go, GO meet the Person and talk to Him. Career? What is career when you know the Master Creator of the universe? He widens your network and gives you opportunities you didn’t even dream of. Health and fitness? Don’t you know that it is all a gift from above? Yes, you can work for it too but no point strengthening your body at the expense of your soul, or your mind.
Love? I thought I knew a lot, and it is true that I loved a lot too. But I forgot my first love, the love that called me when I was 13 to follow Him with all my heart, soul and mind. God willing, if I have the opportunity to love and be loved by someone again, I pray that it will never go above my love for God. If that opportunity never comes again, I know now that my true Love will still be sufficient in this life and the one to come.
As I move forward, everyday still feels like three steps forward, two steps back. But I hear my Father’s words saying, My plans for you are for good and not for evil. And I know He gives good gifts – He gave me Himself, and that is enough.
Lord God, help me to keep my eyes on You, one eye on eternity and one eye to the present. Sojourn on, homeless wanderer……
learn and live 