The last 2.5 years, my creative juices seemed to have dried up. I gradually stopped writing because I didn’t know how to write or what to write. I stopped playing music too. There were short spurts here and there every few months but nothing consistent. Consumption-wise, I hardly read or listened to music. The only media I regularly consumed was social media and Netflix.
But late last year, I discovered the wonder of audiobooks through the public library. So I have started “reading” again. And recently I started listening to music again. I’m not sure what has changed.
Is it that I finally have adapted to life in America? Maybe.
It wasn’t really just about moving countries, you know.
It was dealing with immigration uncertainties.
It was transitioning from long-distance communication to full-on day-to-day relating in my relationship with KC
It was learning the ropes of how to run a small business.
It was navigating my newly-uncovered childhood traumas and facing my demons.
Those are the immediate things that come to mind, that I found the most difficult. Last year was a really prime year, literally, because 2023 is also a prime number. We finally settled our wedding in Malaysia and boy, that was a relief. There were quite a few times I contemplated burning the deposit and just not do the whole thing. My parents were able to come to US for the first time, especially Mummy, and they could see how I lived with the community I’ve told them so much about. (Technically Dad had been here for work in 1996 but it was only for 2 nights so it kinda doesn’t really count.)
When we came back from Malaysia in November, it was like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. So I guess those juices are starting to flow again. And dear God, I need them to flow. Because I still have one more weight to lift.
My final project for the Master’s in Music Education. I don’t know exactly how useful it will be in the future from this vantage point in my life, where most of my energies go into building our small businesses. But I know and trust that the effort I pour into this project will benefit our community. I am loving what I am reading and the stuff that is turning up in research. However, it is very difficult for me to be fully coherent in writing because there is just so much information and my brain is still trying to make sense of it all.
“It’s going to come out well.” I can say that because I trust that the Spirit has led me here. There’s a good excitement about this project, because I feel like I’m given the opportunity to reimagine music education to whatever and however I want it to be. There’s no stipulated curriculum content to deliver, no state or school-directed musical objectives or standards. It can be as much as I want. Or as little.
Thank you to my small group who are praying and are prepared to be silent work partners alongside my writing process. Thank you to Seulgee-eonni who is taking the time to check in on me weekly to keep me accountable. Thank you to my advisor, Dr Howard who has been so patient with me as I kept on meaning to get started on this project but each time got sidetracked due to life events.
Today as I worked on prepping packages, I was listening to a past sermon where PJ preached on the Pharisee and the tax collector. He pointed out that the Pharisee did not recognize his own privilege. Even worse, he compared himself to the tax collector (who had far less privilege) to prop up his self-esteem and make himself feel better.
“God forbid that our self-esteem is connected to other human morons like ourselves.” -PJ
For most of my life, I lived it comparing myself to other people. Like it was always at the forefront of my mind. Up until I was 17, then I realized that OTHER people were comparing themselves to me. Which was sad. Because I knew how I really was on the inside so why would anyone want to do that!? Then I thought, huh this is so stupid that we’re comparing ourselves to one another.
So I stopped. Or at least, I wasn’t as obsessive as I used to be. That’s when I feel like I started living a little.
And I know I had privilege. My parents reminded me of it a lot. Studying what I wanted was a privilege. Studying MUSIC was an even greater privilege. Studying music abroad was the greatest privilege they could afford me.
But that didn’t stop me from comparing myself to other people still from time to time. Happens till now even though I’m a full-grown adult (I blame you, Instagram!)
It’s crazy though. Comparing myself against other people = comparing my privilege against theirs. And accordingly my self-esteem will fluctuate depending on who I’m comparing myself with.
Someone worse off – I feel like I’m doing better than them so I feel good. Someone better off – I feel like I suck so I feel down. That’s codependence.
I’m writing all this out to make sense of codependence. We talk a lot about building healthy individuals and healthy relationships here. And it’s impossible to build truly healthy relationships if we are codependent with one another. Our lives can be deeply entwined without being codependent. We can be interdependent in a loving community without being codependent.
But I need to do my work of figuring out what codependence is and how that shows up in my life. And that particularly applies to marriage. I never want to be codependent with KC because we both deserve better. God created us to love and support one another, not at the expense of our own selves.
The irony is that the church teachings I grew up with generally extol sacrificing yourself for the sake of others. So much unlearning to do. Well, I have a lifetime 🙂
After months of waiting, the interview day finally came. I was nervous and excited and woke up at 5.50am. Despite the fact that it was day 1 of tighter COVID lockdown restrictions in Bangkok, the embassy had not cancelled my interview. I was SO grateful for that!
Took a Bolt, and got there around 7.10am. There were about 8-10 people milling about. The security guard directed me to the queue (not sure why I was the only one queueing there and first in line at that…) and after a while, a lady came round and asked for my appointment letter and passport. She stuck a sticker on the back of it which had the barcode and tracking number for Thai Post so that they can mail it back to you after the whole process. She also directed me to follow the green lineonce I was in.
Then I went through the security check and they took my phone and gave me a band with a tag. Then they scanned my belongings and scanned my body too after I passed through the metal detector. I forgot that they do allow tote bags to carry your documents in, so I was very happy about that. Once in, I thought I had to go to a counter but no, I was directed to sit in the IV visa seating area (see rough schematic below) until they called my name to do a document check. To be honest, I’m not sure if it was the IV visa seating area or if it was just the K1 visa area as everyone else was there for a K1 visa.
If you apply for an F (student), J (exchange), B (tourist/business) visa – basically any non-immigrant (NIV) visa, you have to head first to the NIV counter, show your documents to the Thai officer there and then sit down in the pink area. I saw quite a few people get yelled at so this is for all you folks who have never applied for an NIV visa. You stay seated until the Thai officer makes an announcement like, “All those who have interviews scheduled at 8.15-8.45am please line up at the entrance.” THEN, and then only, make a line at the entrance. If you do anything else, again you will get yelled at. And it is NOT pleasant for other peeps too because she’s on loudspeaker, mmkay?
Rough floor plan of outdoor waiting area inside embassy
They made a mistake with my appointment time, to my chagrin. So, although I was scheduled for 7.30am, but in their records mine was at 8.30am. This I only found out from the counter close to 8.30am when other people who came later, or who had a later appointment time than me, were summoned before me. I was not very happy about it but this is Thailand, so take a deep breath, smile and accept it. The officer at the IV counter graciously told me that she would check my documents now and she slotted me in.
She requested for various documents in a particular order and then proceeded to rip my post-its off them. So remember, when you arrange them for the interview here in Bangkok, don’t worry about placement or how legible the words are. Those things are for YOU to be able to find them quickly and pass it to the officer. I had also made TWO sets of everything…. which was a total waste of paper. More on that later. The only thing she asked me a copy for was my birth cert. The whole time she was arranging those documents in a folder, readying it for the consular officer to peruse. The folder, I might add, already had my K1 scan printed out. Then, she gave me a pamphlet about domestic abuse and my rights as a foreigner etc and told me to wait in the 2nd area outside the doors until the consular officer called my name for counter 5.
I had no idea what she meant about how the consular officer called my name. But I soon learnt that he, too, has access to an intercom. Unfortunately, it was competing with the loudspeaker from the NIV counter lady, so there was an applicant who missed her name the first time but he waited about 2 mins before repeating it.
At this point, I was less nervous. There were 2 ladies before me. The first one – the one who missed her name (actually she missed it the second time too because she was unfamiliar with how it was called out in English but the other lady picked it up) – was out very fast because of some issue with her name or last name on her passport vs her application. The second lady took about 10-15 minutes and she came out with a big smile on her face. We congratulated her and about 5 minutes later, he called my name.
Counter 5 was the one on the far left the moment I walked in. The whole area was so much emptier than the last time I had been there in 2019 and 2018. There used to be like 50 people crammed in that space, but with COVID, it was only like 15 people tops. The officer greeted me kindly and confirmed my name and birthday. Then he did my fingerprints – the part I hate the most. Even he remarked that there is no way round the two thumbs part. It’s always awkward no matter how you do it
The rest of the interview was a blur. He was very friendly and amiable. Personally, I like talking and I do tend to talk too much during interview to build camaraderie. However, all the advice has been to not offer too much. So my balance was to offer information that I thought would be helpful in building my case and establishing my relationship with KC. For example, I remarked that I had been here before twice (which he would have already seen on my records anyway) and so he asked me why. “For my student visa as I’m doing a Master’s and it was across a few summers and I still have a bit of it left.” To which he replied that maybe I would get to finish it up when I get there. Which YES, is what I am planning on.
Anyway, that segued really nicely into “how did you meet?” and “how often have you met?” The officers already kind of know this information because they skim through your papers before the interview. When I said that one of our trips to South Korea together, he commented how much he liked our picture in the traditional costumes. The purpose of interview is to establish that your relationship is genuine and neither of you are being duped by the other, because it happens SO MUCH.
At the end of it, he said thank you for coming and that I would receive my passport in about a week. I thanked him too, exited, told the other ladies the news and wished them all the best and got my things.
Thoughts:
The interview was less scary than I had anticipated. But I HAVE been praying for a nice consular officer. There are some really gruff ones sometimes.
Of course I am happy that my visa has been approved, but also I know that until the visa sticker goes into my passport, nothing is for certain. That 10-15 minutes is not enough time to check through ALL your paperwork. So rejoice, but also if your case is not as straightforward, then hold your horses because you could receive a message asking for more documents later on too. At least, that is MY understanding of the administrative processing part.
I printed out far too much and I need to plant more trees to make up for it. Even the evidence of relationship I did two sets, which was totally unnecessary. The originals they took and kept, which I think will be included back in my packet later on, included my police records and single status certificate. The consular officer did return my birth cert at the end of the interview because earlier the Thai officer had also requested for my birth cert copy. But yeah, no need to print out the DS160 confirmation twice, or the appointment confirmation twice. They didn’t even ask to see my previous passports so the copies I made of my previous passports was totally unnecessary.
I’m really happy with how smoothly the process went for me. What’s next? I don’t know. For now, I wait for the confirmation of good news!
The academic year of 2018/19 flew by. It didn’t feel like there was much time to sit and smell the roses, but it was a choice I made to do online classes in the fall and spring semesters. Between work and study and church and Thai classes and a new relationship, it was a dizzying year. I enjoyed good chunks of it, but I am glad that I can breathe easier now.
Now, if I could press ‘pause’ on my life now……who am I kidding? Lol.
I miss my kimbap across the miles that separate us and I count down the weeks till we meet again each time. Apart from missing him, however, I am fully thriving – for the first time it feels – in my work life and personal life. Someone made a remark this summer about how their current life was the best it had ever been. It made me stop in my tracks. I personally believe that every year gets better than the last, because I like to think I get better at living life 🤔😝
The first year in Bangkok was finding my feet. A new place. Living alone for the first time in my own apartment with nobody next door I could really call on. A new job. New year groups to teach and kids to figure out. A new language. New roads and landmarks. Many strange, wonderful, bewildering things. But I was blessed to find good colleagues who worked as a team, a good church that became my second family, and a great TCM doctor who helped me regain my health. Being mistaken for a Thai was funny and made me want to master the language more!
The second year built on the blessings of the first. I moved apartments, and by God’s grace I found an apartment with a spacious balcony (hello laundry flapping in the wind!) AND more crucially for my mental/emotional/spiritual health…..a HOUSEMATE! Both of these were answered prayers. The balcony was a random prayer I made on New Year’s Day in 2018, never dreaming that 5 months later my landlord would increase my rental. So I moved. The housemate was a wistful prayer that I thought was impossible, and lo and behold, she is Malaysian and even her name is 75% exactly the same as my sister’s!! My dreadful cough, Larry, left me completely midway through the year and only surfaced now and again when I’ve been naughty and eating too much forbidden foods. I did Master’s classes and assignments while continuing to ‘date’ KC through video calls and texts. Oh and learning to ride a motorcycle was fun, too.
Third year in Bangkok feels familiar but exciting still. Having homie around is such a blessing, and we look forward to experimenting more in the kitchen and sharpening our culinary skills. I’m eager to try out all the things I’ve learnt over the last two summers in my classrooms. So far some things have been wonderful…..and some things have tanked. Not every kid will love music – I have come to accept that and not take it personally. And I think that has been freeing in and of itself. Still taking Thai lessons but I can read most of the alphabet already, it’s just having to know the exceptions too and building fluency. After this musical is over, I’m considering taking dressmaking classes 😊 Shopping secondhand is fun, but alterations are not always easy. So that is a little side project to take on for this year!
Officially, I have also entered my 7th year of teaching. That’s a nice thought to have as I approach 30 wheeeeeeeee……
Each time I climb a mountain and reach the summit, I discover another just beyond. That’s what 2018 and the first week of 2019 has felt like for me. Finishing up my 10 credits in the summer, to come back to moving apartments and finishing up my paper for the Teaching & Learning, then on to co-producing the musical with Mark. But even as we embarked on the musical, unbeknownst to me, the fall semester course that I had enrolled for had already begun. I almost missed the deadline of my first assignment.
After a gruelling but enjoyable 14 weeks, the course came to an end. It was hard – hard because working and studying was a lot to juggle, and it was academically rigorous….make no mistake about that. I had reading and three assignments due every week, and I’m not the kind of person who can hand in shoddy work. I have standards, ok!!!
The part that worried me most was my final paper on Jenny Lind. So I was overjoyed when I received this mark on that paper – 17/20. I had only really began researching and collecting data in earnest around mid October, and spent 2-3 weekends in November putting the information together. I’m so, so happy and grateful to God that it came together in the end somehow.
After finishing up this fall course, honestly, I was so reluctant to take a spring course. But I also recognize that I have to do this sooner or later. So after mustering all my courage, I tried to register for the spring course but was rejected because of THIS HOLD BELOW: the diagnostic theory test that I had failed before commencing my course. A lot of people had warned me that it took a few retakes to pass. The part I didn’t realize was that not passing this diagnostic test would limit the number of credits I could take. So failure was not an option. If I couldn’t pass the retake, I would not be able to take any more courses this summer! But I bought my air tickets already…..
So I spent the first two days of December break studying like crazy and prepping for the test. However, the link didn’t get sent to me until the day before KC arrived and I was cleaning house like crazy. By that time, I had almost forgotten everything I studied hahahaha. All I could think of was how to clean and scrub to spotless perfection. After KC left, I spent another day or two revising and muggingto refresh my memory and did countless listening exercises, all the while thinking…. will I pass?! will this be enough?!!?
Imagine my joy and happiness when this screen stared me in the face after 70 minutes. I can still barely believe it. It was frigging hard. It’s not even an A but I don’t care. Ok maybe a bit.
Just counting my blessings that another seemingly unsurpassable mountain was overcome. One more spring course to go. Then this summer’s courses and next summer’s courses, and then oral exam followed by thesis. And that should conclude my Master’s.
One step. At a time. Thank you, Jesus! *cue celebration confetti*
Also, although Mummy may not realize it, she has been such a champion for me throughout my fall course in listening to me whine and cheering me on. KC has been, too, but I was really trying hard not to lean on him too much because he already has so much going on and we haven’t been dating for long either. For all the other people who supported me and prayed for me, I will be eternally grateful – it took a village to raise me, and it still takes a village to help me grow.
Why can’t this paper write itself?!? Yesterday as I was at the library trying NOT to fall asleep, I was reminded of how 8 years ago, I told someone vehemently, “I am definitely NOT going to do a Master’s.” The future-oriented me couldn’t wait to start working but here I am, sadly writing away.
On the bright side, I know I’m here because Jesus led me onto this path. I told Him I would like to do a Master’s and would He provide for it? Bam! Job in one of the top 3 schools in Thailand. (Be careful what you ask for…..)
But some days, I seriously find myself questioning why I’m doing this particular Master’s because it’s tough, expensive, and just a lot of work. I mean, I’ve asked around…..what other places put you through a process that is as rigorous as my UCAS applications PLUS youtube auditions? Probably none. The teachers, however, are the best people I’ve met so far. Dr Or continues to inspire me every single lesson. His experience, his philosophy, the essence of who he is as a person and a teacher makes me want to be a better human being and teacher too.
It’s also extremely convenient that as I am trying to waddle through this paper on Carl Seashore – great guy, would probably love him if I met him in real life but applied psychology to music is not ma thing – that these verses came to mind. And for today, they’re very real because my final undergrad thesis paper was a shambles and I’m stuck in the memory of that. (Well why wouldn’t it be cuz I changed topic at the last minute and churned out 10,000 words in 7 days practically not eating and sleeping….) Part of me is like STOP putting it off Steph. The other part of me is like I got this, ‘sall good.
Famous last words that I will regret if it’s just all talk and no action.
12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
It can be dangerous for me to look back too often. Some memories are fuelled by nostalgia, and I distinctly remember that at the time, I did not enjoy myself as much as I somehow think I did (??!) Doesn’t even make sense to me, but oh well.
Well, because there’s been a lot of triggers that made my brain go haywire last week, I found myself thinking back to certain milestones in my life. Among the triggers were a sudden realisation I have to move out, various work-related things all coming together around the same time, having to review financial plans, looking for a new place and having problems with red eyes when I wake up in the mornings (dust mites perhaps?!). Especially because they are all hitting me at the same time, I just felt very helpless and defeatist. ‘I don’t know if I can do this, Lord…..AGAINNN…..’ Mostly I don’t trust myself to handle these challenges, because my track record has shown that I didn’t handle them well before.
But again, God reminded me of a couple of incidents of when oh man, I came face to face with how worthless I was, and also when the struggle was so great, and somehow, SOMEHOW we pulled through. By we, I mean God really holding His hand out to me while I crawled my demotivated, emaciated body over.
The first incident was when I had a vision during this song in worship:
Come to the Father, though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives, He will take them all
And you know what, I brought in my hands the most beautiful cake ever with a candle, that represented the best of me that I could give. But the moment I stepped before the throne, the cake immediately rotted away and had worms coming out. I swear that I have not had such an encounter since then of the fear and shame of coming before a holy God. I was nothing. But God, in His mercy, reached over and pulled me up and instantly the cake was restored.
[Despite that revelation, it still took me years to really understand the gospel and that I cannot earn my salvation in any way, shape of form.]
The second incident was the Taiping years, or rather, the TFM years. Yesterday, I looked back at my instagram pictures, and it seemed like it was such a blast!! Yeah, we did so much crazy stuff and fun things and dreamed the impossible and did accomplish some majorly awesome results. I learnt so much, grew so much, and it’s true what they said during recruitment: once you have gone through those two years, nothing else will seem as daunting. I still hold that to be true in my experience. Those two years where I survived on 1.5 meals on an average school day, fluctuating between 4-8 hours of sleep and generally burnt myself out, were tough on me emotionally, mentally, financially and physically.
Now I have the benefit of hindsight, I really thank God that despite my being a terrible steward of resources at the time, He is enabling me to bounce back physically – slowly but surely. And while I was very bitter for a while after the break up, I can see now the Lord’s hand in bringing someone into my life then – someone whom I could lean on and reminded me to take breaks and could actually like take me away from my work.
So, amidst the inner furor and subsequent sleeplessness, I’m learning to rest. Hustle, yes, but simultaneously, trust and rest. Psalm 25:3-4 says:
3 The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord, over many waters. 4 The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is full of majesty.
It jumped out at me today. Do I hear His voice over the waters? No matter the circumstances, if I do hear, what reason have I to be panicked or worried or stressed? This is not the first time we’ve walked through troubles.
It’s 12am. My plan on sleeping earlier has been derailing as the week wears on. Social media is beauty sleep’s worst enemy.
But I am thankful. This week I went for my American student visa interview and I think it went well. That has been an added stress factor at the back of my head.
My cough is still here. For whatever reason, the phlegm is pretty full on still. There’s been one day that had been cough free – yesterday afternoon till today afternoon. But I do get better when I sleep. Maybe that’s a sign to sleep more.
I can’t believe March is practically over and Songkran is just around the corner.
I don’t know how else to put it, except that I’ve been worrying over my USA visa interview unnecessarily. So kancheong over something that’s not a big deal, REALLY. It shouldn’t be, because I know I tick all the boxes, and I have all the right documents in place (or do I?!?! Feel like I should go check for the umpteenth time even though the interview is still days away.) All I’m saying is that I will be able to really sleep well when this is over. This is like the final hurdle.
Once I clear this, I’ll be set. Even now, I hear the Holy Spirit, Mum & Dad all reprimanding me for getting myself worked up about nothing.
“Mou yeh hou zou ah lei…..go do housework or occupy yourself. Sot ga lei…. “
Yes, I’ve literally visited the US embassy website at least 10 times in the past 2 months, obsessed over every little detail and fine print. A colleague even told me, ‘Wow, Steph, I hope your Master’s is worth it.’
A lot of people had warned me that it took a few retakes to pass. The part I didn’t realize was that not passing this diagnostic test would limit the number of credits I could take. So failure was not an option. If I couldn’t pass the retake, I would not be able to take any more courses this summer! But I bought my air tickets already…..
learn and live 