Back to the writing block

The last 2.5 years, my creative juices seemed to have dried up. I gradually stopped writing because I didn’t know how to write or what to write. I stopped playing music too. There were short spurts here and there every few months but nothing consistent. Consumption-wise, I hardly read or listened to music. The only media I regularly consumed was social media and Netflix.

But late last year, I discovered the wonder of audiobooks through the public library. So I have started “reading” again. And recently I started listening to music again. I’m not sure what has changed.

Is it that I finally have adapted to life in America? Maybe.

It wasn’t really just about moving countries, you know.

It was dealing with immigration uncertainties.

It was transitioning from long-distance communication to full-on day-to-day relating in my relationship with KC

It was learning the ropes of how to run a small business.

It was navigating my newly-uncovered childhood traumas and facing my demons.

Those are the immediate things that come to mind, that I found the most difficult. Last year was a really prime year, literally, because 2023 is also a prime number. We finally settled our wedding in Malaysia and boy, that was a relief. There were quite a few times I contemplated burning the deposit and just not do the whole thing. My parents were able to come to US for the first time, especially Mummy, and they could see how I lived with the community I’ve told them so much about. (Technically Dad had been here for work in 1996 but it was only for 2 nights so it kinda doesn’t really count.)

When we came back from Malaysia in November, it was like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. So I guess those juices are starting to flow again. And dear God, I need them to flow. Because I still have one more weight to lift.

My final project for the Master’s in Music Education. I don’t know exactly how useful it will be in the future from this vantage point in my life, where most of my energies go into building our small businesses. But I know and trust that the effort I pour into this project will benefit our community. I am loving what I am reading and the stuff that is turning up in research. However, it is very difficult for me to be fully coherent in writing because there is just so much information and my brain is still trying to make sense of it all.

“It’s going to come out well.” I can say that because I trust that the Spirit has led me here. There’s a good excitement about this project, because I feel like I’m given the opportunity to reimagine music education to whatever and however I want it to be. There’s no stipulated curriculum content to deliver, no state or school-directed musical objectives or standards. It can be as much as I want. Or as little.

Thank you to my small group who are praying and are prepared to be silent work partners alongside my writing process. Thank you to Seulgee-eonni who is taking the time to check in on me weekly to keep me accountable. Thank you to my advisor, Dr Howard who has been so patient with me as I kept on meaning to get started on this project but each time got sidetracked due to life events.

Now back to research & writing!

Press ‘fast forward’ and ‘pause’

The academic year of 2018/19 flew by. It didn’t feel like there was much time to sit and smell the roses, but it was a choice I made to do online classes in the fall and spring semesters. Between work and study and church and Thai classes and a new relationship, it was a dizzying year. I enjoyed good chunks of it, but I am glad that I can breathe easier now.

Now, if I could press ‘pause’ on my life now……who am I kidding? Lol.

I miss my kimbap across the miles that separate us and I count down the weeks till we meet again each time. Apart from missing him, however, I am fully thriving – for the first time it feels – in my work life and personal life. Someone made a remark this summer about how their current life was the best it had ever been. It made me stop in my tracks. I personally believe that every year gets better than the last, because I like to think I get better at living life 🤔😝

The first year in Bangkok was finding my feet. A new place. Living alone for the first time in my own apartment with nobody next door I could really call on. A new job. New year groups to teach and kids to figure out. A new language. New roads and landmarks. Many strange, wonderful, bewildering things. But I was blessed to find good colleagues who worked as a team, a good church that became my second family, and a great TCM doctor who helped me regain my health. Being mistaken for a Thai was funny and made me want to master the language more!

The second year built on the blessings of the first. I moved apartments, and by God’s grace I found an apartment with a spacious balcony (hello laundry flapping in the wind!) AND more crucially for my mental/emotional/spiritual health…..a HOUSEMATE! Both of these were answered prayers. The balcony was a random prayer I made on New Year’s Day in 2018, never dreaming that 5 months later my landlord would increase my rental. So I moved. The housemate was a wistful prayer that I thought was impossible, and lo and behold, she is Malaysian and even her name is 75% exactly the same as my sister’s!! My dreadful cough, Larry, left me completely midway through the year and only surfaced now and again when I’ve been naughty and eating too much forbidden foods. I did Master’s classes and assignments while continuing to ‘date’ KC through video calls and texts. Oh and learning to ride a motorcycle was fun, too.

Third year in Bangkok feels familiar but exciting still. Having homie around is such a blessing, and we look forward to experimenting more in the kitchen and sharpening our culinary skills. I’m eager to try out all the things I’ve learnt over the last two summers in my classrooms. So far some things have been wonderful…..and some things have tanked. Not every kid will love music – I have come to accept that and not take it personally. And I think that has been freeing in and of itself. Still taking Thai lessons but I can read most of the alphabet already, it’s just having to know the exceptions too and building fluency. After this musical is over, I’m considering taking dressmaking classes 😊 Shopping secondhand is fun, but alterations are not always easy. So that is a little side project to take on for this year!

Officially, I have also entered my 7th year of teaching. That’s a nice thought to have as I approach 30 wheeeeeeeee……

Love came down

Expectation.

Sometimes the word is infused with the meaning of hope. Many times instead it gets twisted into a burden.

Foolish, self-inflicted expectation on myself and other people. And I try to protect myself by not having any expectations. Just so, you know, that I don’t burden myself or other people unnecessarily. Or to just not get disappointed.

Each time, You bring me back to this place. After I’ve fallen short of my own expectations. After I feel let down.

To put my hope and my trust in what is true, what is certain, what is unfailing.

Your love.

The Father’s love that led His Son to the cross. The Son’s love that gave His life for us.

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
Lord I’m forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

GE14: some thoughts

I won’t be voting this time because I’m not in the country and I didn’t register in time to do a postal vote. Actually, kind of mad at myself that I won’t be voting, but I’ll make sure this doesn’t happen again. I have no doubt that the Opposition will probably win Subang again, simply because Subang has had a really great run with Hannah Yeoh as our rep previously and now we’ve got someone who appears to be equally passionate as her about serving the people. In fact, she is a former classmate and friend of one of my TFM friends. That also means I’m old she’s young, and I’m really glad to see more and more young people entering politics. Yes, young people lack experience but in some ways the older generation is so entrenched in how things have been done all this while, the voices of the young need to be heard.

Malaysia is fortunate in the sense that our population is predominantly young, so the youth/young adult vote will really count. In Brexit, it was largely the older generation that was for it and many in the the younger generation were furious that they would be the ones who would really ‘suffer’ the effects of that vote.

I think it’s always sad if young people become jaded by politics. Heck, I was momentarily jaded by politics in GE13 and what came after that. Seeing how the Opposition just fell apart in the subsequent 4 years and the disunity and backbiting and parties splitting, in some ways I felt that they destroyed a lot of trust that they had built up, and in 2016 I remember thinking, if we hold elections now, I really don’t know who to vote for party-wise.

So, GE13 was a very emotional time for me. When the Opposition lost, I really felt like there was no hope left. One pastor shared how a young person texted him, ‘Pastor, WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN US?’ I laughed, but it felt that way. Truthfully though, teaching in a little rural government school at the time, I knew that BN would win even though that area was a PAS stronghold. My kids and their families needed the BR1M so badly. Poverty doesn’t really allow you to plan too far ahead for the future – all you’re thinking is how to survive to the next day. Planning ahead is a luxury for those who have enough. Enough to eat and drink, enough to wear, enough to pay the bills and send your kids to school.

So, I understand.

I understand that this GE14, if BN wins again, it’s probably because they have the rural vote. But I pray, that no matter the outcome, that Malaysia will become more united and less divided.

[Side rant: Actually, at the end of the day, I don’t really care that much if BN or Opposition win. What I really care about is who is going to become the Education Minister and who is going to have the b*lls to say to all the JPN, PPD and all the teachers, “Let’s cut down on the bureaucracy and forms and unnecessary data we are forcing teachers to collect. Let’s have ONE system – either the physical attendance book, or online. Let’s only key in student information and test results in one place. And let’s invest in really good servers so that our 10,000 schools cannot crash them if they tried, OR we decentralise the education system.”

I’m not against reports. I’m not against data and assessments. But I am against doing the same thing three times over and trying to chase the curriculum and doing things other schools are doing just because THEY’RE showing results.

I’m not asking for air-conditioning or subject-specific classrooms, although that would be nice. I’m asking that the government (and sometimes, parents) stop expecting teachers to be the event planners, class decorators, disciplinarian, relationship counsellor (if kids are in high school), BR1M distributor and many other things besides.

I pray one day that if and when I step back into public education, it will be a place where teachers really do enjoy teaching and not feel burnt out by paperwork. Yes, I do like teaching in an international school but arts is for everyone, not just the rich. Sorry, side rant over.]

Why I Keep Lifting

This is one of those posts that exist to remind myself why I need to continue what I’m doing. (Also, for those of you who are curious as to why I even chose lifting.)

Yup I know, for some people, it’s a fad or a way to look cool.

Why I first started: 1) vanity and 2) something to replace running. I enjoyed running but the reality is I could feel those aches in my knees and I don’t have the best technique – just kept getting the feeling that I would wear my body out prematurely before its time so I looked for an alternative. Then back to the first reason: vanity. Running didn’t help me keep a flat tummy. In fact, my physique didn’t really change much. So I was like, hmmm I wanna look good. How do I go about it?

When Florence invited me to join her on these Community WOD sessions organized by some gung-ho fellas in random gyms – calling themselves Honey Badgers – I went along. That’s when I realised how WEAK I was. By the time we were done with the stretching alone, I WAS DONE. So I thought, hm let’s give it a shot, plus I wanted broader shoulders.

After moving back to KL, I bit the bullet and joined Honey Badgers. It was gruelling at first. But I thought, hey at least this is a sport I can do with my bf (at the time). Then we broke up and I considered giving it up. By this time, however, I’d met some craaaazy peeps and made some awesome friends at the gym that I decided to stick with it. And lifting then became a form of therapy, to deal with all the anger and all the grief. Plus, we also had really long chats about live, love and everything else in between sets (HAHAHAHA sorry coach Kelvin) and that was always nice.

Somewhere along the line, Gee started joking that I should compete and create the GPA World Record for females in the U44kg category. That renewed my motivation to push myself further and to be disciplined. We tackled that in earnest and while I lost, I still broke my PRs at the comp which felt really, really good. In fact, I bought a powerlifting suit to force myself to keep competing.

Now, the suit sits in my closet but I know, someday, I will compete again. And even though today I feel like quitting, I won’t. Because if I quit in this, I might set a precedent for other things. That thought horrifies me.

[When I was in primary school, we learnt a Chinese idiom called “半途而废”. When I understood what it meant, I made up my mind that I will always do my best to see something to the end. If I quit something, it has to be well thought through and for very good reasons – not just because I feel like it. And if I can’t even persist in lifting when it gets tough, how am I going to run the race of life? Hebrew 12:1 always comes to mind when I want to give up on something.)

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us …

So today sucked. Big time. I didn’t even finish my WOD. In fact, I sat on the side and had a good cry. But tonight I will rest and tomorrow everything won’t seem as hard.

My favourite things

There’s a distinct smell about the khlong when I walk along it. It’s not a pleasant smell, but it’s not unpleasant enough that I hate it. It smells of a mix of garbage and something decomposing, but it’s a smell I’ve gotten so accustomed to – when I smell it, I feel like I’m home.

When I went back to KL over the Christmas break, it was so great to spend time with friends and family and kind of revisit some of my old haunts. But I really anticipated coming back to Bangkok. I missed my apartment and the little familiar things like my favourite meal which is at the food court in  Huachiew TCM clinic.

It’s not a luxury I really had in university days – to have a routine place I keep on returning to, because everything seemed so far. The closest thing that came to that was perhaps the guys’ place at Hadrian Avenue.

Now I find myself wanting to find such a place for myself here in Bangkok. A place that I can return to week after week and get to know the staff that serve and become a regular. In Taiping it was Cafe Prima for me. Whenever Aina and I needed a pick-me-up after school, we’d go there. I’d even go on some weekends when I just needed to get work done. It became our spot.

As I get older, I find myself wanting to become a creature of habit. My younger self would have scorned such an idea. I don’t find myself wanting to travel so much any more. Sure I’d like to visit some places, but I don’t crave travel like how I did back in university days. That thirst for adventure and travel was fully quenched in my gap year post-uni. I will ALWAYS be glad I made that decision to take that year off and go to bible college in Seattle and Germany. Even for those places, I remember certain things and places fondly that had become a routine. That was a year of breathless excitement and anticipation and an emotional rollercoaster, thinking that this would be possibly the last chance in my life to live elsewhere for short periods of time and really getting to know and immerse myself in the culture.

And now I’m in Bangkok.

I think I’ve found my spot in Bangkok. I’ve marked it and will be heading there more in future. They have live music. And happy hour 2 for 1 drinks from 5-8pm. And a really reasonable dinner menu. Let’s see how that goes 😉

 

2018 Hopes & Goals

One eye to the future, one eye to the past, and both feet firmly in the present. 2017 has been a very meaningful year, filled with many little personal milestones, from things as significant as competing in my first powerlifting competition, to something as trivial as learning to be comfortable in solitude, with just myself for company. I’ve never thought of myself as an extrovert, but neither do I behave very much like an introvert. Staying in halls at uni and dorms in bible college, I’ve gotten so used to having so many people lurking around, that I just like to know that there are people there. It felt strange at first to be completely alone in Bangkok, but now that strangeness has been replaced with familiarity. I won’t say that I LOVE being alone – I like the independence that comes with living on my own, but I’ve always had a housemate, so I do miss that – but I’m comfortable now.

2018 Resolutions:

1. Be more alert and stop losing things
2. Be organized – bullet journal my way through 2018
3. Hit 45 or 46 kg. Work out more. Eat more. Lower my TG or else I need to move to a plant-based diet by 30 instead.

2018 is going to such an interesting year. On the family front, I’m gaining a brother-in-law and really have to accept that this year I will become a real-life aunty. On the personal front, this is * fingers crossed * the year that I will be starting my Master’s in Music Education. It is such a big investment of time and money but so often I feel like a little tadpole still in my journey as a music teacher, that I really think I NEED this so that I can improve my teaching practice.

I’ve been so blessed by old friendships and new this year. And my relationships with family members have evolved – I’ve learnt to become more transparent and conscious about how my behavior and interactions impacts our communication. I know I’ve neglected family time in favour of friends in the past. However, two main things have contributed to this change. The first is how family has walked alongside me and continued to support me and just loved and believed in me, even though I was really unloving and unlovely. The second I will attribute mainly to Yuvy pumpkin who is an inspiration to me at how she always prioritizes family time and is very intentional about balancing time with friends and family. So much so, that when I moved to Bangkok, I decided that I would make it a point to call home at least once a week. For the most part, I’ve succeeded in that and it’s something that I will keep up.

In 2018, I’m going to work on developing some personal habits. I am NOT, by nature, a disciplined person, but there are so many things I want to achieve this year. SO many things.

Essentials:

1. follow the endmyopia programme more rigorously and lower my diopters further => 0.25 diopters every 3-4 months. Translates into longer walks and 15-20 minutes of active focus every day.
2. host more dinners/cell meetings at my place… ~ 1 a month
3. sleep 7-8 hours everyday
4. take all my medication and supplements on time. That’ll be a lot easier once I’m finished with my course of Chinese medicine.
5. train to compete in November’s powerlifting competition => 3 times a week of training.
6. read ONE book a month
7. keep jamming music with our department band
8. follow and stick to my 7-step Korean skincare: cleanse, tone, essence, serum, moisturize, sunscreen, BB or CC CREAM. And wear retainers every night.
9. have a healthy breakfast every morning
10. plan my finances especially investments better
11. be able to communicate in basic Thai with anyone and read and write enough Thai to sing the songs at church
12. work smarter and be more reflective of my teaching
13. develop weekly menu of dinners

Not-so-essential:

1. wear a teeny bit more of makeup
2. learn more chords on the guitar
3. practise my clarinet 2-3 times a week
4. develop weekly menu of takeaway lunches
5. improve cooking skills

All these things are the reason why I need a bullet journal. There’s a lot to keep track of, and A LOT I need to be aware of on a daily, weekly basis. Some of these goals need to become HABITS…. then I’ll be quicker and can do it without thinking. Some of the rest are just basic housekeeping skills and will prepare me for running my own household. While the Prov 31 woman is a mythical creature – point me in her direction if you see one in real life because a woman who is BOTH a full-time entrepreneur and does ALL the chores at home doesn’t exist and can still find time to look after the kids – it would be nice to just aspire and come closer to it.

Maybe I’m just being a hater and there are indeed many Prov 31 women out there……

These are the things on the personal front I’ve thought about. I’m still thinking about what I want to develop very specifically as a worshipper, teacher and musician. (Ok, I’ve thought about it, but I’m too shy to write it here HAHA. Let’s keep some mystery in my life.) If I can do all the things on my essential list, I’ll be able to look back and say 2018 was awesome. For now, in keeping with the unicorn theme… I’m more like the picture below.

Yes. Yes, doctor.

Have a mind-blowing 2018, y’all!

A word for 2018

The word for 2018 is           MULTIPLY

2018 will be a year of multiplication. To my physical family, and to my spiritual family in GCB.

I think that word has been slowly simmering at the bottom of my heart for a while. A double increase, or maybe even triple. But the impression of the word came very clear to me at HTBB’s Christmas service.

My first reaction was like WOW, that is already coming true in ways I did not expect. Second reaction was one of doubt/fear/worry. Like, how am I gonna deal with this increase? How are WE gonna deal with this multiplying?

But the Holy Spirit straightaway replied,

“Do not fear the increase. Do not worry. I will carry you through.”

Inside, I’m still like YEAAAAaaaaahhhhhh…… and shrinking a little. God, help my unbelief!

13-word love stories of mine

I love LOVE love stories. Probably because I’m a hopeless romantic. In spite of everything that has happened, I still believe in the power of love. And actually I don’t mind being a third wheel, because I’ve been a third wheel throughout most of my life and the couples I’ve been around have never felt uncomfortable.

For the past year, somehow people keep sharing the Modern Love column articles at New York Times on facebook. Reading through them has been so sweet and even endearing, at times.

Recently in this article, they asked readers to submit their own 13-word love stories. Some of them were so sweet, like cotton candy sweet, and some had a bittersweet aftertaste. Some were cute, and some had a tinge of cynicism. After reading through ALL of them, I was pretty inspired to write my own one(s).

There’ve only been two times in my life that my relationship to the opposite sex has blossomed into something more than friends. But relationships? It’s only been one.

The first story:

Good friends became summer fling. We knew it was over before we started.

I know if some friends read this, they’d go, I KNEW IT!! But it wasn’t even a summer fling. It was a summer crush, and that more on my part. We couldn’t and wouldn’t start even if we could. The religion piece always held us back. I was too rational even then.

The second story:

First love – crazy, impulsive. For him – tiring, immature. We’re both better off now.

This was when I fell in love madly for the first time in my life. As Cheryl Fernando said to me, I know how you feel right? It’s like suddenly all the love songs in the world make sense. And the world is such a beautiful place. At least, that’s what I remember of the conversation, as we rattled up to Kedah in her tiny little Kelisa, and I wondered how safe we really were.

Sometimes in the aftermath of the breakup, I wondered if it was all real. I guess that was how much of a shock it was to me. If I had a choice, I wish that I hadn’t had this relationship, more out of pride perhaps. MAINLY because I’ve always wanted my first boyfriend to become my husband. But looking back on how I behaved in the relationship – it brought out so much ugly, I think God knew what He was doing. Maybe He let someone else kind of take the fall and work out all the crazy immaturity and show me what a psycho I could be, so that I can be more……stable and won’t scare my future husband away.

My experiences have shown me one thing: while it isn’t exactly hard to meet someone and be attracted to them, it’s not easy to meet someone and love them for who they are. And for them to love you for who you are.

One of my favourite quotes:

But I already have that with my original true first love. Here’s my last and ongoing story:

Fifteen years and counting. My light, pillar, friend, rock. To more adventures together! ❤︎ 

 

 

Growth mindset

One of the first things that struck me when I started work at NIST is how everyone has such a positive growth mindset. It’s really inspiring to be surrounded by people like that. And it sends such a great message to the kids: as educators, as human beings, we are still on a learning journey. You can never stop learning.

‘Oh, I already know that’ is something we say ourselves as adults when someone tells us something we think we know. But it’s also something kids say quite a lot in general (AND IT DRIVES ME NUTS) because they have heard or learnt it before. Having a growth mindset, however, calls for openness to new ideas and different perspectives. The same knowledge can present itself in different ways. Similarly, the same lessons can be delivered in different ways too.

There’s a Chinese proverb that goes like this: 一山还有一山高. It literally means there is always one mountain higher than the last.

For a time, I’ve been quite closed off to taking risks. But like my work mentor says, ‘I always tell the kids, every mistake is a learning opportunity.’ And it really made me think. Maybe I need to experiment more with new things. Maybe I need to take more risks.

As I rode on the back of a motorbike back home today, I was reflecting on the phrase ‘No regrets’. I’ve been hesitating to take risks for so long, because I didn’t want to live with the regret in case things go wrong. It really dawned on me that that is so far off from a growth mindset. With a growth mindset, regrets are part of the journey. Because no growth comes without its share of obstacles and mistakes.