New adventures!

This week was a week of constantly falling behind or not living up to my own (high) expectations. Every day, I told myself, alright new day, NEW mercies, NEW grace. But maybe all these attempts was done in my own strength, thinking that God IS with me hence everything will work out.

I kept failing. In the weeks since I’ve executed my 2018 resolutions, this may have been like the worst week so far. Forgot to take medicine – tick. Ditched the bedtime rituals – tick. Overslept and didn’t do devos – tick.  All the congratulatory pats on the back I gave myself last week – none this week. It was a pretty dejected me by Friday. I literally comforted myself with the thought of the weekend to reset myself.

Thankfully, God is always gracious. Honestly, if there is anything I have really taken comfort in in this week is that God loves me unconditionally. That His acceptance of me is not based on what I do, or didn’t do. Because I kept on failing over and over. I know deep down, that God is more ready to forgive me than I am to forgive myself.

But amidst my discouragement on the personal front, I was reminded of how much my health has improved. (YES I CAN EAT SOME SPICY NOW. AND MY POOP LOOKS MORE SOLID. Ok sorry too much information :P) Anyway, Larry (the cough) doesn’t even bug me much at school these days. Out of my 5 days at work, he hardly turned up at all. When he did turn up, it was mainly yesterday. Yeah he was a bit awful yesterday but I lived.

Then this morning, I decided to check my Master’s application status online because I got an email from the university wanting to mail me something. Sounds like they probably want me right…. so I checked and OH MY FLIPPING WORD, this jumped off my mobile screen at me:I screamed. I had to. Thank goodness I was alone in the gym.

This application was way more intense than anything I had to do for undergraduate applications through UCAS. And one of the reasons I even ended up looking for jobs overseas was so that I could be hired as an expat to fund my Master’s studies because, no, I don’t want to take a loan and no, I also don’t want my parents to sponsor my studies any more. They already put me through 4.5 years of living in the UK doing my A-levels and undergrad. Their ROI as it is, don’t know when it can ever be recouped. (Thank you so much, Mum and Dad.)

I feel like the most fortunate girl in the world right now. (No, you don’t need a man to feel like that.) But there is such a satisfaction and an appreciation for my acceptance, because I’ve put in so much for this application to happen. From getting letters of recommendations, to doing youtube recordings of myself playing the piano and even singing, to contacting alma maters for transcripts, and even the essay I had to write, it was really a lot. I did want to give up many many many times.

Lord, You know I needed this good news this week. Wait…I just realized I found out only after I surrendered the outcome to God. Like the state of being resigned and will be ok no matter what the reply is. I guess God wanted me to come to that place first.

Like Mummy shared this verse with me today from Isaiah 55:

⁸ For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

All I can say is, amen. I never wanted to do a Master’s and for the longest time I detested the idea of resuming studies, but clearly God’s changed my heart. One should never say never.

Thank you Jesus, for this new adventure!!!

 

My favourite things

There’s a distinct smell about the khlong when I walk along it. It’s not a pleasant smell, but it’s not unpleasant enough that I hate it. It smells of a mix of garbage and something decomposing, but it’s a smell I’ve gotten so accustomed to – when I smell it, I feel like I’m home.

When I went back to KL over the Christmas break, it was so great to spend time with friends and family and kind of revisit some of my old haunts. But I really anticipated coming back to Bangkok. I missed my apartment and the little familiar things like my favourite meal which is at the food court in  Huachiew TCM clinic.

It’s not a luxury I really had in university days – to have a routine place I keep on returning to, because everything seemed so far. The closest thing that came to that was perhaps the guys’ place at Hadrian Avenue.

Now I find myself wanting to find such a place for myself here in Bangkok. A place that I can return to week after week and get to know the staff that serve and become a regular. In Taiping it was Cafe Prima for me. Whenever Aina and I needed a pick-me-up after school, we’d go there. I’d even go on some weekends when I just needed to get work done. It became our spot.

As I get older, I find myself wanting to become a creature of habit. My younger self would have scorned such an idea. I don’t find myself wanting to travel so much any more. Sure I’d like to visit some places, but I don’t crave travel like how I did back in university days. That thirst for adventure and travel was fully quenched in my gap year post-uni. I will ALWAYS be glad I made that decision to take that year off and go to bible college in Seattle and Germany. Even for those places, I remember certain things and places fondly that had become a routine. That was a year of breathless excitement and anticipation and an emotional rollercoaster, thinking that this would be possibly the last chance in my life to live elsewhere for short periods of time and really getting to know and immerse myself in the culture.

And now I’m in Bangkok.

I think I’ve found my spot in Bangkok. I’ve marked it and will be heading there more in future. They have live music. And happy hour 2 for 1 drinks from 5-8pm. And a really reasonable dinner menu. Let’s see how that goes 😉

 

A perfect day with Him

It certainly wasn’t perfect because of the circumstances I was in. In fact, this morning began in a rough way, with heavy rain and thunders clashing. It was a day that i wanted to sleep in a few extra minutes.

But, reminded about the bible study yesterday where we talked about how we come to Jesus as little children do, and in my personal devotional how Chambers wrote about intimacy with Jesus, I crawled out of bed and pulled myself together. Enough to sober up, pour myself a drink and just start talking to Jesus – out loud, as I would talk to any person.

See, the thing is, when I talk to God in my thoughts, there is a filter for some reason. Why should that filter be there? That’s what someone asked yesterday. And it stuck with me.

Why am I making things so complicated? Why not just say whatever is at the top of my head? To whom can I speak my mind, who knows my heart and thoughts so truly, even more than I know myself?

¹⁶ But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. ¹⁷ Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

2018 is a year I want to ‘adult’ better, yet become more like a child in trusting Jesus and being with Him. I want to run into Jesus’ arms and tell Him everything that happened from beginning to the end. I want to call God Father, and also speak to Him as a friend would. I want Him to know what’s in my heart, and I want to know what’s in God’s heart too. I want to stretch out my arms to Him, and also be His hands and feet to the people around me.

Greedy, no? But little children have no shame in asking whatever they want. And I’m going to be shameless and ask God for all this. Whether or not He gives it, that’s up to Him.

2018 Hopes & Goals

One eye to the future, one eye to the past, and both feet firmly in the present. 2017 has been a very meaningful year, filled with many little personal milestones, from things as significant as competing in my first powerlifting competition, to something as trivial as learning to be comfortable in solitude, with just myself for company. I’ve never thought of myself as an extrovert, but neither do I behave very much like an introvert. Staying in halls at uni and dorms in bible college, I’ve gotten so used to having so many people lurking around, that I just like to know that there are people there. It felt strange at first to be completely alone in Bangkok, but now that strangeness has been replaced with familiarity. I won’t say that I LOVE being alone – I like the independence that comes with living on my own, but I’ve always had a housemate, so I do miss that – but I’m comfortable now.

2018 Resolutions:

1. Be more alert and stop losing things
2. Be organized – bullet journal my way through 2018
3. Hit 45 or 46 kg. Work out more. Eat more. Lower my TG or else I need to move to a plant-based diet by 30 instead.

2018 is going to such an interesting year. On the family front, I’m gaining a brother-in-law and really have to accept that this year I will become a real-life aunty. On the personal front, this is * fingers crossed * the year that I will be starting my Master’s in Music Education. It is such a big investment of time and money but so often I feel like a little tadpole still in my journey as a music teacher, that I really think I NEED this so that I can improve my teaching practice.

I’ve been so blessed by old friendships and new this year. And my relationships with family members have evolved – I’ve learnt to become more transparent and conscious about how my behavior and interactions impacts our communication. I know I’ve neglected family time in favour of friends in the past. However, two main things have contributed to this change. The first is how family has walked alongside me and continued to support me and just loved and believed in me, even though I was really unloving and unlovely. The second I will attribute mainly to Yuvy pumpkin who is an inspiration to me at how she always prioritizes family time and is very intentional about balancing time with friends and family. So much so, that when I moved to Bangkok, I decided that I would make it a point to call home at least once a week. For the most part, I’ve succeeded in that and it’s something that I will keep up.

In 2018, I’m going to work on developing some personal habits. I am NOT, by nature, a disciplined person, but there are so many things I want to achieve this year. SO many things.

Essentials:

1. follow the endmyopia programme more rigorously and lower my diopters further => 0.25 diopters every 3-4 months. Translates into longer walks and 15-20 minutes of active focus every day.
2. host more dinners/cell meetings at my place… ~ 1 a month
3. sleep 7-8 hours everyday
4. take all my medication and supplements on time. That’ll be a lot easier once I’m finished with my course of Chinese medicine.
5. train to compete in November’s powerlifting competition => 3 times a week of training.
6. read ONE book a month
7. keep jamming music with our department band
8. follow and stick to my 7-step Korean skincare: cleanse, tone, essence, serum, moisturize, sunscreen, BB or CC CREAM. And wear retainers every night.
9. have a healthy breakfast every morning
10. plan my finances especially investments better
11. be able to communicate in basic Thai with anyone and read and write enough Thai to sing the songs at church
12. work smarter and be more reflective of my teaching
13. develop weekly menu of dinners

Not-so-essential:

1. wear a teeny bit more of makeup
2. learn more chords on the guitar
3. practise my clarinet 2-3 times a week
4. develop weekly menu of takeaway lunches
5. improve cooking skills

All these things are the reason why I need a bullet journal. There’s a lot to keep track of, and A LOT I need to be aware of on a daily, weekly basis. Some of these goals need to become HABITS…. then I’ll be quicker and can do it without thinking. Some of the rest are just basic housekeeping skills and will prepare me for running my own household. While the Prov 31 woman is a mythical creature – point me in her direction if you see one in real life because a woman who is BOTH a full-time entrepreneur and does ALL the chores at home doesn’t exist and can still find time to look after the kids – it would be nice to just aspire and come closer to it.

Maybe I’m just being a hater and there are indeed many Prov 31 women out there……

These are the things on the personal front I’ve thought about. I’m still thinking about what I want to develop very specifically as a worshipper, teacher and musician. (Ok, I’ve thought about it, but I’m too shy to write it here HAHA. Let’s keep some mystery in my life.) If I can do all the things on my essential list, I’ll be able to look back and say 2018 was awesome. For now, in keeping with the unicorn theme… I’m more like the picture below.

Yes. Yes, doctor.

Have a mind-blowing 2018, y’all!

Reflection on 2017

Note to self: It’s a good tradition that I’ve started dunno when…(ok maybe like 2016?). Seek God for a word for the upcoming new year as the year draws to an end. Reflect on how God has come through on the word He gave for the last year.  MUST spend the first few hours of every New Year’s morning pondering and praying on the word He gave. Then for the rest of the year, watch as God unfolds and reveals what He has promised. 

So for 2017, it was, I THINK, the word    c h a n g e .

Some of you know this that I was very discouraged in 2016. It really felt like I hit rock-bottom. It didn’t feel like a good year because I was very unhappy most of the time, but it remains a good year because God set free the things that needed to be set free. And it was a significant turning point and it was like a wilderness year that led to a new season in my life.

I stepped into 2017 very, very expectant that God would bring about a lot of change. The first and biggest change I hoped and prayed for was my job. The second change was for my health. So in January, I went to the Search Associates job fair in Bangkok, and prayed hard that I could accept God’s will for me, whether it meant staying in Malaysia or getting a job overseas. I also prayed that if God were to give me job overseas, He would only open one door, and close all others. Because I know I’m pretty hopeless at making such a decision because of how unexperienced I am with the scene.

I interviewed with 3 overseas schools (Thailand, Middle East, Vietnam) and 1 Malaysian school during the job fair. The rejections came pretty swift (one told me in the politest language that the school was not a good fit for ME), and I was all ready to give up because the school I thought I had the most chance with had rejected me. And then, in a moment’s desperation, I sent an email to enquire at the school which hadn’t got back to me. To my amazement, they set up a second online interview and pretty much the rest is history.

Even when I knew change – good change – was coming, part of me was a bit resistant to it because it was so much work to get there. I remember, for example, almost wanting to give up because the work permit process was intense and I had to retake my IELTS. Even worse was when the issue with the order of my name on passport versus university certification cropped up. My last name was in different places etc. I wailed to my mum, “Why is this so difficult? Maybe God doesn’t want me to gooooo….”

Mum, as practical as ever, gave me an eyeball.

“Please la, the most difficult part was getting the job. You already got that. You just need to work through the other parts. Go study for the test.”

NO SYMPATHY FOR ME

So yeah, lots of changes. My health has changed for the better too. And my relationships  with family and friends have changed too. When I left for the UK for studies, I remember losing touch with quite a number of friends. But leaving this time, somehow the friendships have deepened. Maybe it’s how everyone is older too and we ain’t meeting so many new people as we used to. But no lah, I am making more of an effort this time to keep in touch.

And this year, one of the best changes is…. I found a bit of myself I thought I lost again. The part that lets me see the world through rose-coloured lenses.

“There is such a place as fairyland – but only children can find the way to it. And they do not know that it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way. One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and that is the tragedy of life. On that day the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age of gold is over. Henceforth they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland.”                                                                       ― L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl