New adventures!

This week was a week of constantly falling behind or not living up to my own (high) expectations. Every day, I told myself, alright new day, NEW mercies, NEW grace. But maybe all these attempts was done in my own strength, thinking that God IS with me hence everything will work out.

I kept failing. In the weeks since I’ve executed my 2018 resolutions, this may have been like the worst week so far. Forgot to take medicine – tick. Ditched the bedtime rituals – tick. Overslept and didn’t do devos – tick.  All the congratulatory pats on the back I gave myself last week – none this week. It was a pretty dejected me by Friday. I literally comforted myself with the thought of the weekend to reset myself.

Thankfully, God is always gracious. Honestly, if there is anything I have really taken comfort in in this week is that God loves me unconditionally. That His acceptance of me is not based on what I do, or didn’t do. Because I kept on failing over and over. I know deep down, that God is more ready to forgive me than I am to forgive myself.

But amidst my discouragement on the personal front, I was reminded of how much my health has improved. (YES I CAN EAT SOME SPICY NOW. AND MY POOP LOOKS MORE SOLID. Ok sorry too much information :P) Anyway, Larry (the cough) doesn’t even bug me much at school these days. Out of my 5 days at work, he hardly turned up at all. When he did turn up, it was mainly yesterday. Yeah he was a bit awful yesterday but I lived.

Then this morning, I decided to check my Master’s application status online because I got an email from the university wanting to mail me something. Sounds like they probably want me right…. so I checked and OH MY FLIPPING WORD, this jumped off my mobile screen at me:I screamed. I had to. Thank goodness I was alone in the gym.

This application was way more intense than anything I had to do for undergraduate applications through UCAS. And one of the reasons I even ended up looking for jobs overseas was so that I could be hired as an expat to fund my Master’s studies because, no, I don’t want to take a loan and no, I also don’t want my parents to sponsor my studies any more. They already put me through 4.5 years of living in the UK doing my A-levels and undergrad. Their ROI as it is, don’t know when it can ever be recouped. (Thank you so much, Mum and Dad.)

I feel like the most fortunate girl in the world right now. (No, you don’t need a man to feel like that.) But there is such a satisfaction and an appreciation for my acceptance, because I’ve put in so much for this application to happen. From getting letters of recommendations, to doing youtube recordings of myself playing the piano and even singing, to contacting alma maters for transcripts, and even the essay I had to write, it was really a lot. I did want to give up many many many times.

Lord, You know I needed this good news this week. Wait…I just realized I found out only after I surrendered the outcome to God. Like the state of being resigned and will be ok no matter what the reply is. I guess God wanted me to come to that place first.

Like Mummy shared this verse with me today from Isaiah 55:

⁸ For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

All I can say is, amen. I never wanted to do a Master’s and for the longest time I detested the idea of resuming studies, but clearly God’s changed my heart. One should never say never.

Thank you Jesus, for this new adventure!!!